The problem with a history of depression and anxiety is that you can never know if you’re “just having one of those weeks” or if you’re sliding back down into those places you swore you’d never go again.
probably one of the most terrifying feelings
Since the day is over and the alcohol has worn off I’d like to talk about my feelings because that’s what I should have done in the first place.
March 9th marked my baby’s due date. I woke up and while performing my morning routine (usually smoke a cigarette while scrolling through facebook) the first thing I saw was an aborted fetus and people protesting about how we need to stop this. A lot of people would take this as a sign that I made the wrong decision. But it really just infuriated me.
I have felt every emotion possible before and after my abortion. I weighed through every option. Keep it: I have high risk pregnancies and we already don’t have enough income to live comfortably with one child. Adoption: spend 9 months bedridden getting to know the child only to likely never see it again. Also, if you’ve ever browsed the sites with adoptive parents you’ll realize how hard it is to choose. Abortion: live with regret my whole life.
Now, I was wrong about that. I may have drank myself stupid today so I could forget how much I miss her, but I do not regret it.
My daughter would have lived a life with countless medical problems and my son would have had to give up so much if she were here today.
It was the hardest decision of my life. It is the hardest decision I will have ever made in my life. But I got through. I got through and I am happy.
We can afford to pay our bills on time. We can afford to buy diapers and wipes and several gallons of milk a week (my son is a lactotarian or something). We can afford to live again. And I am so glad that we have that.
If I would have decided to keep her, I would have left my boyfriend and would be living in a trailer with my mother and children. That is not the life I wanted for myself, let alone my children.
I will never forget you Lydia Renee White. You were too amazing for this world. And I promise we will meet again when I am strong enough for you. Until then, know I did it to save you from the pain. I did it for you. And for your father. And for your brother who we watched fight too hard in the nicu to ever see another child go through that again. You changed our lives forever. We love you. Rest in peace.